|
|
The Royal
Artillery Association Plymouth Branch |
A collection of funnies
A likely story
The BC went out to find that none of his gunners were there. One finally
ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little
late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I called a cab but it broke down,
found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now
I'm here."
The BC was very sceptical about this explanation but at least he was
here so he let the gunner go. Moments later, eight more gunners came up
to the BC panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! We had a date and it ran a little late, we ran to the bus
but missed it, we called a cab but it broke down, we found a farm,
bought a some horses but they dropped dead, we ran 10 miles, and now we
are here."
The BC eyed them, feeling very sceptical but since he let the first guy
go, he let them go, too. A ninth gunner jogged up to the BC, panting
heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but
missed it, I called a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the BC interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the gunner., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it
took forever to get around them."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Gunners Tale
It was a dark, stormy, night on Salisbury plain. A gunner was on his
first guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young
gunner snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out
"Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice
night, isn't it?"
(Well it wasn't a nice night, but the young gunner wasn't going to
disagree with the General), so he replied "Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night
that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
(The young gunner didn't agree, but then the gunner was just a gunner,)
and responded "Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at his dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best
type of dog to train."
The gunner glanced at the dog, and said "Yes Sir, It is Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The gunner replied "That was good swap Sir!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rare occasion
The CO issued the following order to his Battery Commanders:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 20:00 hours, Halley's Comet will be
visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have
the men fall out and parade in the gun park in fatigues, and I will
explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be
able to see anything, so assemble the men in the cinema and I will show
them films of it."
BATTERY COMMANDER TO TROOP OFFICERS:
"By order of the Colonel. Tomorrow at 20:00 hours, Halley's Comet will
appear above the gun park. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues,
then march them to the cinema where this rare phenomenon will take
place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."
TROOP OFFICERS TO BSM:
"By order of the Colonel. Be in fatigues at 20:00 hours tomorrow
evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the cinema. In
case of rain in the gun park, the Colonel will give another order,
something which occurs once every 75 years."
BSM TO No1's:
"Tomorrow at 20:00 hours, the Colonel will appear in the cinema with
Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the
Colonel will order the comet into the gun park."
No1's TO Gunners:
"When it rains tomorrow at 20:00 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old
General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will bypass the cinema and
drive his comet through the gun park in fatigues."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
True Gunner bravery
The CO had sent a battery off to fight in the Gulf war.
Upon the battery’s return, three gunners that had distinguished
themselves in the field were summoned to the CO's office. "Since all of
you weren't there long enough to qualify for medals," the CO began, "I
can't give you any. We did, however, want to let each of you know your
bravery was appreciated.
What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your
body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance
between those parts. We'll start from the left, so what'll it be?"
Gunner 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"
CO: "Very good, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Gunner 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of
the other, sir!"
CO: "Even better, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"
Gunner 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinkie, sahr!"
CO: "That's a strange but fair request," As the CO begins the
measurement: "What?, where is your left pinkie?"
Gunner 3: "In a breach somewhere in the Gulf, sahr!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A love lost
A Gunner serving with a regiment in Germany was angry and upset when his
fiancé wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph
back. He went and collected from his mates, all the old unwanted
photographs of women that they had, bundled them all together and sent
them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot
remember which one it is -- please keep your photo and return the
others."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------News Flash --------
New Weapon in Britain's Arsenal - Dubbed 'The Chicken Gun'
The priminister, Tony Blair., expressed astonishment today in a speech
to Parliament, over recent news of a new Royal Artillery 'chicken gun'.
It seems the gun is a converted AS90 capable of hurling dead four-pound
chickens at airplanes at over 700 miles per hour ... The new armament is
currently being tested at Shoeburyness and used to help find ways to
reduce accidents caused by jets hitting birds.
"My first reaction to this story was one of disbelief," Blair told MP's.
"I wonder why a 'special classified briefing' had not been set up for
the members of Parliament on the new 'chicken gun' and I am setting up
an enquiry to investigate as to why the Defence Secretary has not kept
the house informed."
Blair also said: "How far has the Soviet Union got with the deployment
of their 'chicken gun', and how will our Rapier, Cruise and Sam missiles
fair with this new weapon??..."
Blair went on: Is the Royal Navy working on it's own version of the
'chicken gun', "which would be, one assumes, an 'albatross gun'."
Blair congratulated the Royal Artillery "on it's resourcefulness."
"Despite the fact that there will no doubt be those that will be
sceptical of such research, I for one, see nothing more involved than a
little 'fowl' play," said Blair...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Army Regulations
First Gunner: " Can you pass me the chocolate pudding, please?"
Second Gunner: "Sorry, no way!"
First Gunner: "Why not?"
Second Gunner: "It's against army regulations to help another soldier to
dessert!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Insubordination ?
Officer: Gunner, do you have change for a pound?
Gunner: Sure, mate.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do
you have change for a pound?
Gunner: No, SIR!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Gunners yarn
Seems there was a young gunner, who, just before battle, told his
sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom.
Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangy Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible)
recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and
attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Staby Stab
Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom,
"Bangy Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.
More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangy
Bang Bang! Staby Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens.
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking
slowly toward him.
"Bangy Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangy
Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangy
Bang Bang! Staby Stab Stab!" It's no use.
The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and
says, "Tanky Tank Tank."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a NIG !!
A new intake gunner to the regiment was on guard duty at the main gate.
His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special
sticker on the windscreen. A staff car came up with a general seated in
the back. The gunner said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the
windscreen."
The general said, "corporal, drive on!"
The gunner said, "Halt! You can't come through. I have orders to shoot
if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm ordering you, corporal, drive on!"
The gunner walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new to
all this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8 Top Christmas Rear Party Traditions In the Royal Artillery
1. Gluing a Santa beard onto your gas mask
2. Roasting chestnuts on a hexamine burner
3. Draw up list of who's naughty, who's nice and who can't run their 3
mile BFT without wheezing like a BSM
4. Christmas morning, getting to lay in till 05:30 hours
5. You open a present and surprise! It's a khaki-coloured t-shirt
6. Extra R&R for any personnel named CO or BC
7. There's always plenty of Christmas parking at the supermarket when
you're driving an AS90
8. Freeze-dried, shelf-stable, vacuum-sealed chicken supreme
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Battery Orders:
1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the
Medical Officer's statement as proof of illness as we
believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come
to work.
2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this
practice. We recruited you as you are, and to have
anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.
3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the
funeral services to be held late in the afternoon,
however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is
done.
4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would
like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty
to teach someone else your job.
5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.
7. Advice from the Battery Commander: Eat a charge bag first thing in
the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for
the rest of the day.
8. The Battery Commander is Always Right.
9. If you think the Battery Commander is wrong, Refer to Rule 8.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dig for your country
Two gunners were digging a foxhole.
"What made you join the Army?" asked one.
"Well, I read one of the posters that said: Join the Army and see the
world! And I been doin' it - a shovelful at a time."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Fitness Reports.
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form
used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The
following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in
there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction. - He would be out of
his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning
around at a frantic pace, but
not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since
then he has aged
considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port
to port, and my officers to
carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to
dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250
feet.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in
a trap
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smart Gunner.
An old demobbed gunner saw a very tired young gunner resting after a 10
mile bash. The old gunner said with disdain: "When I was your age I
thought nothing of a ten-mile bash."
The young gunner replied: "Well, I don't think much of it either,"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is what you do….
When Gnr Smith was inducted into the Battery, he was advised to act
tough.
"That's the only way to command respect in the Battery," his mates said.
So Gnr Smith did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all
around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his
mouth.
"Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a knob," Gnr Smith shouted.
No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened No1 appeared.
"I am a sergeant!" he bellowed.
"I am a knob," whispered Smith.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A true Gunner
Two young gunners were exchanging their experiences of their service in
the Regiment.
"My sergeants are wonderful", said one gunner.
"I wish I could say the same about mine," said the other.
"You could if you lie like I do."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Get fit
The physical training instructor was drilling a battery of gunners.
"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move
them as though he were riding a bicycle,"
he explained. "Now begin!"
After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.
"Why did you stop. Gnr Smith?" demanded the PTI.
Gnr Smith replied, "I'm freewheeling for a while."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New officer efficiency
These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance
appraisal for the military officers).
"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
"A room temperature IQ."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."
"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."
"Donated his brain to science before he has finished using it."
"Fell out of the family tree."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"He's so dense, light bends around him."
"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."
"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
|
